Relationships

Friends. Family. Lovers. It all goes here.

Homesick

More than anything else in the world, I want to go home.

Home is 4000 miles away, walking distance from the beautiful beach in the image above.  Home is at the intersection where every significant  road through a tiny seaside town meets.  Home is where Alex is.  And I am so anxious, so very very anxious, to get home again.

I love my family; sometimes I think I love them far more than they deserve (and yes, I know that sounds mean).  But, I love them even when it feels like they don’t love me back, even when it feels like I do more than my fair share of the work, and see very little of the rewards of my work for myself.  My blood is here, but I didn’t choose them, and sometimes I think if I’d had a choice to begin with, I might not have selected these particular individuals.  Some days are good, some days are bad…  but the good days are easier to count.  I’m the only party in my household of 3 that has a job (or at least, a regular job), and yet there are some days I go hungry where others do not.

But at home, giving also leads to receiving, and things are a “team effort”, and the whole team reaps the rewards of those efforts.  Home is where someone watches out for me, when I am ill; it is where there is someone to comfort me when I feel broken. Home is where no one ever allows me to go hungry.  Home is where Alex is, where the family I chose for myself is.  And it’s where I want to be so badly all the time, that whenever it crosses my mind, I feel as if someone just punched me in the stomach.  It crosses my mind all the time.

I try, and I assure you it’s a significant effort, not to whine about these things all the time.  And I am not looking for sympathy, nor do I mean to make my family seem like villainous bastards.  In my heart, though, I know that I am not loved here, in the same way I am loved in a tiny little town in Cornwall.  I’m not loved here in the same way I am loved at home.  And I so very much miss my home.

And I miss this face, this one over here to the left <–.  I miss this face that never scowls when I come through the door, or complains at me that I do not do enough.  I miss this face that lights up when I enter a room, this face that covers mine in kisses just to make me smile and laugh.  I miss the arms that hold me through each night, and wrap themselves around me whenever I feel blue. 

I miss this beautiful soul so much more than I have the words to properly express.  This relationship has been one of the most challenging endeavors I have ever pursued.  Not because he is difficult to love; if anything, loving him is the easiest thing that I have ever done.  Effortless.  But it’s the hardest thing in the world to spend so much time so far apart.  The thing is, though, that the difficulty of the distance is nothing compared to the idea of spending my life without this one particular person. 

Someday, I’ll be exactly where Alex is, wherever he is, and then I will be home.